The dreaded D-E-N-T-I-S-T

From: Mom
To: Kate and Kelsey
Subject: I'm cranky


"I'm cranky because.....I did one of those things we are supposed to do as a responsible adult. I went to the dentist-who by the way is not who makes me cranky, it's his lovely hygienist who by Webster's definition is an expert in hygiene.

Well, I beg to differ. First of all this one is a LOUD mouth breather and I can get a whiff of the garlic french fries she had for lunch even through her mask. And so help me, I understand what "turn toward me and turn away from me" means, I do not need hand signals and a congratulatory "VERY GOOD" every time I get it right. I was so tempted to clamp down on those annoying gesturing fingers it was all I could do to conform to the expected behavior.

And really, doesn't someone look at the size of ones giant hands and decide that they will not fit into the average sized persons mouth? I mean jockeys have to be a certain size as do astronauts, elevator operators, race car drivers, and cubicle workers-OK maybe I've gone too far but I'm telling you all I could think of was the Seinfeld episode where he dated the pretty blond with ginormous digits. And did anyone explain to her that the little vibrating wand was meant to polish the teeth-not the gums, lips and sides of the inner cheeks and the little suction apparatus was meant to remove the excess saliva not spray it all over my face and neck. Thank you Lord she had given me sunglasses or I'd have spit in my eyes as well.

And quite honestly I go to the dentist to update my lying abilities. "Yes I floss everyday and ALWAYS wear my night guard and would NEVER dream of eating a lemon or ice cubes with my pearly whites. I am so glad you think my oral hygiene is much improved over last time because I've made a serious lifestyle change in that department so I can get another VERY GOOD from you every 6 months," not so I can try to answer the same personal questions you ask me every time I come here while your ginormous hands are in my mouth and my jaw is aching. Now I know Kelsey my darling has experienced this same routine so will have sympathy for me - and by the way she wanted to know how your architect studies were going?

Okay now I feel much better having aired my displeasure and have another 6 months before I have to endure it again or try to explain to our very nice dentist why I want my records transferred.

Love to you -I'm off to take some advil and have pudding for dinner. MOM"



This is precisely why I haven't been to a dentist in two years. My teeth can just rot.