iWork

It amuses how everyone has taken to putting “i” in front of product names, therefore obviously making it cooler. Every time I go into a Brookstone or a Sharper Image, there is a plethora of iPillows and iStereos, which I think are supposed to make me go like this, “Oh, an iPillow, this must be so much cooler than a regular pillow because it’s got an “I” in front of it, just like my iPod and iPhone are so cool. I have to have it!” When in fact I am paying $40 extra bucks for a regular pillow.

The reason I bring it up is because every stinking day I have work with the phone system at the office that is trying way too hard to be hip. When the phone rings you have to options, to press the “Answer” button or the “iDivert” button, which places the call straight into your voicemail. This presents numerous, slightly annoyed questions to pop into my head:

1. Um, why is not also iAnswer? Was there some sort of patent pending for some ridiculous board game called iAnswer where you have to recite the alphabet backwards in Hebrew while standing on your head so you couldn’t use it? Or they ran out of funds and could only spring for one iPhrase so they flipped a coin and iDivert won?

2. Also, phone system, do you realize that as the mere means by which people call to yell at me for not getting their subscription, you cannot nor never will be cool to me?

3. Why can I do super, extra spiffy things like iDivert people but not keep people on hold for more than a minute before you promptly hang up on them? Maybe you should have spent some of your patent money from claiming iDivert phrase on that fun little function instead, hmm?

4. I can also only assume you were made and programmed in some country where caller ID is some mythical and wondrous function that only comes on a day when you have impressed Santa Claus with your holiness and comes and goes on whim, am I right? Well apparently today the jolly bearded man in the big red suit is very, very pissed at me.

5.If I were to whack said iDivert button with my keyboard over lack of caller ID frustration, what would it be called then? iBreak? No, that one is taken too? Darn it. What about iHateyou? It has a certain ring to it…

6. Why are trying so hard to get me to like you? Do you have low self-esteem, did you maker not give you enough love in your childhood, or just want to fit in with the popular iPhones? How sad, good luck with that…